“They just want to die”

This is less a harmful myth than an inaccurate one, but the inaccuracy changes what you say — which makes it worth correcting.

What people describe

Asked afterwards, people who have been acutely suicidal very rarely describe having wanted to be dead. What they describe is wanting the pain to stop, and being unable to see any other route to that.

Death is not the goal in that account. It is the only available exit from something that has become unendurable, in a state where the mind has stopped generating alternatives.

The practical consequence: if you argue about whether life is worth living, you are arguing about a proposition they may not hold. If you address whether this is survivable and whether it can change, you are talking about the thing they are actually stuck on.

Ambivalence is almost always present

Right up to the end, most people are of two minds. The classic account from survivors of near-lethal attempts is not resolve but a coin balanced on its edge.

Two things follow.

There is something on your side. The part of them that is unsure is real and present, and it is what a crisis line is talking to. You are not trying to overcome a settled decision; you are trying to give the other half of the argument time.

Small interruptions matter more than they should. Someone answering the phone. A dog needing letting out. Having to wait. Against a determined plan these would be trivial; against ambivalence they are frequently decisive. If they have decided, nothing will stop them →

What to say differently

Rather than you've got so much to live for — which argues against a position they may not be holding, and which usually lands as evidence you have not understood — try:

• How long has it felt like this? Locates it in time, which is the beginning of it being finite.
• What would need to change for tonight to be survivable? Not for life to be worth living. For tonight.
• Is there any part of you that isn't sure? Speaks directly to the half you are working with.
• I'm not going to try to talk you out of anything. I'd like to understand it.

What to say when you can't find the words →

The exception worth acknowledging

Some people, particularly with long-standing illness or in the context of terminal physical disease, do describe a settled wish to die rather than an escape from acute pain. Pretending otherwise would be dishonest, and it is not served by being told they do not really mean it.

That does not change what to do. It changes the tone: listening rather than arguing, and taking seriously that the person has thought about it — while still saying, plainly, that you want them here and that services exist which are used to exactly this conversation.