What to say when you can't find the words
Finding the words is often the hardest part, and having none is not a sign you are not serious. Take anything below and use it exactly as it is — copy it into a message if that is easier.
Texting a friend
You do not have to explain, justify or lead with the worst part. The only job of the first message is to open the door.
- “Hey — having a really rough night. Are you about?”
- “I don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to be on my own with it. Can you ring me?”
- “This is hard to send. I've been in a really bad place recently and I didn't want to keep pretending I wasn't.”
- “Can I come over? I don't need anything, I just don't want to be in the flat.”
- “I'm okay right now but I'm not okay generally, if that makes sense.”
Starting with a crisis line or text service
They are trained to take it from anywhere you start. You do not need an opening line, a diagnosis, or a reason you think is serious enough.
- “I don't really know what to say. Today has been very bad.”
- “I'm not sure I should be contacting you. I don't know if this counts.”
- “I've been thinking about suicide and I've not told anyone that.”
- “I'm not in danger tonight, I just can't carry this on my own any more.”
- “Can I just talk for a bit? I don't want advice.”
Telling a doctor
Appointments are short and it is easy to leave having said none of it. Saying the important sentence first is a legitimate tactic — start with the hardest thing while you still have the nerve.
- “Before we start — the main thing I need to say is that I've been having thoughts of suicide.”
- “I've written this down because I know I'll play it down when I'm sitting here.”
- “I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating properly, and I've stopped wanting things. It's been about three months.”
- “I've been told to come back if it got worse. It's worse.”
- “I need you to know I'm not coping, even though I probably look like I am.”
Asking someone if they are suicidal
Asking directly does not put the idea in someone's head — that is one of the most persistent myths in this whole field, and the evidence points the other way. Most people are relieved to be asked plainly by someone who is not frightened of the answer.
- “Are you thinking about suicide?”
- “You don't seem yourself and I've been worried. Are you having thoughts of ending your life?”
- “I'd rather ask you outright and be wrong than not ask. Are you safe?”
- “I'm not going to panic and I'm not going to tell anyone you don't want me to. But I need to ask you properly.”
When someone says yes
You do not have to fix it, and you are not expected to have an answer. Staying is the thing that helps. Avoid arguing them out of it or listing reasons to live — it sounds like being told they are wrong.
- “Thank you for telling me. That took something.”
- “I'm not going anywhere. Do you want to talk about it, or do you want company while we don't?”
- “Are you safe right now, tonight?”
- “Can we ring someone together? I'll stay on the line with you.”
- “I don't know the right thing to say. I'm still here.”
Telling someone at work
You are entitled to say very little. You can be clear about what you need without explaining anything about your health.
- “I'm dealing with a health issue and I need to reduce my hours for a while.”
- “I'm not going to be able to take on anything new this month. I'll keep you posted.”
- “I need to be signed off. I've got a doctor's appointment on Thursday.”
- “I'd rather not go into detail, but I want you to know it isn't about the job.”
These are written by people and are the same every time — there is no model generating them. Why this site has no chatbot.