Worried about someone on your crew

Something about him has changed and you have noticed. You are not sure it is your business, you are not sure you are the right person, and you have a job to get on with.

You do not need to be the right person. You need to be the one who noticed, and who said so. That is a low bar, and you can clear it today.

You are not his GP

Nobody is asking you to diagnose anything, fix anything or know the right words. The useful part is small: you saw it, and you let him know you saw it.

A lot of men on a crew go for months with nobody asking how they are, because everybody assumes somebody else has.

What noticing looks like

It is rarely dramatic. More often it is a change from how he normally is:

• He is quieter than usual, or has gone flat, and the jokes have stopped.
• He is drinking more, or talking about drinking differently.
• He mentioned money trouble once, and never again.
• His marriage or his family comes up in the past tense, or not at all.
• He is taking risks he would not have taken before, or has stopped seeming to care what happens.
• He has stopped coming to the van at break, and eats on his own.

One of these on a bad week means nothing. Several together, or one that goes on for weeks, is worth a conversation. If you are unsure, have it anyway. Being wrong costs you an awkward few minutes.

Where it can actually happen

The best conversations tend to happen side by side, not face to face: in the van, on a drive between jobs, loading up, waiting on a delivery, walking back to the vehicles at the end of the day. Nobody has to look at anybody, and a gap in the talk does not feel like a silence.

That is a real advantage of the job, not a consolation prize. A lot of men who would never say it across a table will say it over a steering wheel.

Pick a moment when it is just the two of you, not in front of the lads.

What to say

Skip the careful language. Say it the way you would say anything else to him. Any of these will do:

• "You've seemed quiet lately. You all right?"
• "I'm not having a go. I've just noticed you're not yourself."
• "How are things at home, really?"
• "You've not been at the van much. Everything okay?"
• "If you ever want to talk, I'm not going anywhere. No pressure."

He will probably say "I'm fine." That is the usual first answer, and it does not mean you have failed. Leave it there for the moment, and say something like "Fair enough. Offer's open." Then ask again in a few days. More wording you can use →

Ask the direct question

If what you have seen is worrying you, ask him straight: "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" Or: "Are you having thoughts of suicide?"

Asking does not put the idea in anyone's head. That is a myth, and it is wrong. What asking does is tell him that he can say it out loud to you without you panicking or walking off. For a lot of people it is a relief. Why asking does not plant the idea →

Use the real words and do not soften them into "you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" That version is built to get a "no".

If the answer is yes

Stay with him. Do not leave him alone to sleep on it, and do not take "I'll be fine, see you Monday" as an answer when he has just told you this.

Then bring in someone else, the same day:

• Keep him talking while you work out the next step. Listen more than you speak.
• Get a third person involved: a foreman, a mate he trusts, someone in his family. He may not like it. You are allowed to do it anyway, and you do not have to carry this alone.
• Get a service involved. Ring a crisis line with him, or while he is in the room. If he cannot face a call, there are routes that do not need one. Getting help without speaking →
• If he has said he is going to act, or you think he is about to, treat it as an emergency and call emergency services.

Crisis lines for your country →

What you cannot do

You cannot fix his money, his marriage or whatever case is hanging over him. Trying to is how people burn out and then, without meaning to, back away. If money is part of it, you can point him toward money, debt and mental health and leave it at that.

A single big conversation matters less than staying in contact over weeks. Keep asking. Keep sitting with him at break. Give him a lift. Send a message on a bad Sunday. The point is that he finds out, week after week, that somebody is still there. More on supporting someone → · If you are worried about someone →

Looking after yourself afterwards

A conversation like this can leave you shaken, even when it went well. Tell someone you trust that something heavy happened, without breaking his confidence more than you need to. The crisis lines take calls from people who are worried about someone else, so you can ring for yourself too.