When caring for someone is costing you everything

Almost everything around an unpaid carer is organised around the person being cared for. The appointments are theirs. The forms are about their needs. The questions from professionals are about how they are doing, and you are the one who answers, because you are the reliable one.

Somewhere in that, nobody asked how you are. There is often no route by which anyone would. This page is about you, as the person in trouble.

The thoughts that this tends to produce

Some of these are hard to say out loud. They are said here plainly, because they are common among people in your position and almost nobody admits them.

"I'm not depressed, I'm trapped." Both can be true. A life with no exit, no time that belongs to you and no end date can produce despair that is not a fault in you. It is a reasonable response to the situation. It is still a reason to get help.

"I resent someone I love." Resentment and love sit together in almost every long caring relationship. Having both is ordinary. It is not evidence that you are a bad person, and it does not cancel out the care you give. It means you are a person with limits, doing something that has no limits built in.

"They would be better off with someone else doing this." If that thought has crossed your mind, it deserves to be said to someone. It can be a sign of exhaustion talking, or a sign that you are thinking about not being here. Both are worth telling a person about.

"I can't be suicidal. I'm not allowed to be unavailable." This is the sentence that keeps carers quiet. It treats your distress as a scheduling problem. It is not one. Thoughts of suicide do not wait until you are free, and you do not need to be free to deserve help with them.

The practical trap: "I can't be ill, there is nobody else"

This is what stops carers asking for anything. You cannot go off sick, because nobody can step in. So you carry on, and the cost builds out of sight.

There is a flaw in that reasoning, and it is worth looking at squarely. If you reach a crisis of your own with no plan and no support, the person who relies on you is left without you at the worst moment. Getting help early is the safer arrangement for them too.

That is a legitimate reason to act. It is not a selfish one. You do not have to believe you deserve help in order to arrange it. You can do it because the whole set-up depends on you staying well.

What to ask for, in words

A carer's assessment, or whatever your country calls it. This is an assessment of your needs, separate from the needs of the person you care for. You can ask for one in your own right. Something like: "I look after someone full time and I am struggling. I would like an assessment of my own needs." The name and the process differ between countries, so ask what the equivalent is where you live.

To tell your own GP that you are a carer, and that this appointment is about you. Say it at the start, because the conversation will otherwise drift to the person you look after. "I am here about me, not about them. I have been caring for someone for a long time and I am not coping." Have it recorded on your file. Getting a first GP appointment →

Respite. A break from caring, arranged by someone else, so that you are not the only cover. It is a service you can ask for, not a favour to beg for. If it is refused, ask what the alternatives are, and ask for the refusal in writing.

To say the quiet thing out loud. Pick one person, even a stranger on a line, and say it once: "I am a carer and I have been having thoughts of suicide." You do not have to have a plan or a crisis. Saying it is the point.

Crisis lines will talk to you about you

Many carers assume crisis services are for the "real" patient: the person with the diagnosis, the one whose situation has a name. They are not.

Crisis lines take calls from people in distress, and that includes you. You do not need to be the one with the illness. You do not need to justify ringing. You can talk about the person you care for if that helps, but the call is yours, and the conversation can be about how you are.

If a call feels like too much, text and chat services exist and work well for people who cannot find a private moment. Getting help without speaking →

If you have thoughts of suicide while caring

You can make a safety plan without anyone else's involvement. It sets out what you will do when the thoughts come, and who you will contact. Making a safety plan →

If you are not sure how to say it to someone, there is wording that helps. What to say when you can't find the words →

If part of what is wearing you down is your fear for the person you care for, that has its own page. Worried about someone →